It's Official.

by 99 Seats

George Lucas thinks we're all complete and total morons.

Wow. I almost don't have words for that. Oh, wait, I totally have words for that.

Bull. Shit.

Look, I could stand (sort of) the first round of revisions, because they were mainly cosmetic. And I don't mind the idea of replacing that crappy, crappy Yoda puppet with the CGI version, because the CGI version is way, way better. But this is crap. I'm not saying this as a fanboy. I'm saying it as a matter of dramaturgy and storytelling.

In case, somehow, you don't remember, the way that scene plays out in the original is that Vader says nothing. Nothing at all. He just watches the Emperor torture his kid, a kid he's both tried to kill and tried to turn to the dark side, a kid who has just made an impassioned plea to what's left of Vader's humanity, a kid who is, in a surprising turn of events for the usually whiny Luke Skywalker, showing some fortitude and bravery, still standing up to the Emperor as it seems like he and the Rebels are losing the battle. It's a moment of high tension and drama. No, really, it is. And then, Vader springs into action and hurls his master into a chasm. It's fucking awesome. And right on. This isn't some deus ex machina. It's the culmination of three (good) movies worth of building to exactly this moment. And it just sort of happens. In a few dialogue-less moments, we get the redemption we've been waiting for since the end of Empire. It's a nice little thing in a fairly loud, on-the-nose movie. A real, honest grace note.

But now, George Lucas seems to be thinking, "Well, there's silence here, so the audience will be confused and won't understand that Vader is finally standing up to his boss. So I'll have him say, 'No' a couple of times to make it, you know, clear that he would prefer his boss doesn't kill his kid. That should clear up his thought process there."

Asshole. The other thing that this makes official is that George Lucas is the worst storyteller of his generation. We're talking Uwe Boll-level storytelling. Hell, that's an insult to Uwe Boll. I used to think that George Lucas wasn't a good writer or director, but he had a vision. Fuck that. The guy's a hack. The basic principle of all writing is Show, Don't Tell. You know what, George? Showing is when Vader, without a word, throws the Emperor into the pit. Telling is when he fucking telegraphs it by shouting "No!" before he does it. We did the math. We understood what was going on in his mind, just from his actions. That's moviemaking. You should, I don't know, take a course in it or something.

At this point, Obama would be fully justified in sending in the 82nd Airborne and taking the prints of all the movies out of Lucas' hands for safekeeping and national pride. In fact, while he's at it, have them cut out Jar Jar Binks and re-cast Hayden Christiansen and bring in Lawrence Kasdan and Nicholas Meyer and Aaron Sorkin to rewrite 'em and make Harrison Ford not suck in movies any more and Luke will be less whiny and we're resurrect John Cassavetes and Lee Marvin and...Sorry...I got carried away there.

In summation, I say this is how I'd rather remember Vader. Also: Han shot first. And this, too, while we're at it. Go f#ck yourself, George Lucas.

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