by Rob Grace
1) Turn on a lamp.
2) Be born.
Chances are you won’t make it to 35 without being born first. Literally everyone who has ever lived has been born.
3) Swim in a pool while the government of the country in which you live kills an innocent person.
Swimming is a totally great workout, and can also be super fun! Take a cue from the play Aunt Dan and Lemon and just accept that your government does terrible things that you don’t need to worry about in order to enjoy your First World lifestyle. As Colonel Jessup said: “We live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You?” Heck to the no! I’m busy working on my backstroke!
4) Think that you’ve deeply contemplated your own mortality, but then have an experience that makes you realize that, even though you thought you had deeply processed this, you never really let it sink in as deeply as you could have.
You can’t escape death. This notion is likely to occur to you in different, and probably more profound, ways as you get older.
5) Either eat peanuts, never eat peanuts because you are allergic, or never eat peanuts for some other reason.
Everyone needs to have some relationship to peanuts. It’s unavoidable! If you have no relationship to peanuts, then that’s your relationship — having no relationship! It is logically impossible for you to be alive and not fit into one of the three categories mentioned above.
6) Be ashamed of a fundamental part of yourself.
Some have argued that motion of money in the economy is moral, since then everyone’s standard of living increases. Watch a commercial that makes you feel terrible about yourself, then buy the thing that the commercial tells you will solve this problem.
7) Have trouble with your keys.