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January 19, 2006

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isaac

And tell us, Abe... the worst films of the year?

(ps: this is one of my favorite flophouses ever...)

Abe Goldfarb

Oh, Isaac, you know I don't like to talk about the bad ones. But since you ask:

Kicking and Screaming is the film that began a long, painful summer of shark-jumping for Will Ferrell. Forget his screeching in the idiotic "post-modernisation" of Bewitched, this was truly the nadir of the season. He seems powerless against the witless script and intimidated by Robert Duvall, who kind of seems not to care. It's also so poorly made by director Jesse Dylan (Bob's son!)that its massive release seems a rude joke.

The Wedding Crashers had a lot of admirers, but honestly, outside of Vince Vaughan's superb riffage, I thought it was just a bloated mess. It's just not all that funny, and it mistakes volume for wit. Hey, I like breasts as much as the next guy, but when they bounce around to the Isley Brothers' Shout, it's not funny or sexy, it's just a kind of cognitive dissonance. The worst part is how totally wasted Christopher Walken is in it. No, the worst part is its cod-romanticism, signified by endless syrupy pop montages. No, the worst part is the apologetic homophobia. No, Will Ferrell's appalling cameo (shark jump!). No, it's that 40-Year Old Virgin did it better and made way less money. Yeah, I think that's it.

Sin City was an a film that wasted the best cast, idea and aesthetic decision of the yesr by almost magically making them all really, really dull. When a man rips another man's balls off by hand and I'm checking my watch, one of us isn't doing our job. And it wasn't me, ROBERT RODRIGUEZ. Jesus, shoot something outside, I think the lack of air is beginning to suffocate your camera hand.

Red Eye is a film with absolutely no surprises, suspense, shocks or ideas at all. Which is a problem if you're trying to make a thriller. This was mysteriously overrated, and it was made with all the electrifying craft of a Golden Girls reunion. Well, at least it was short. Thank you, Wes Craven, for knowing that brevity is truly the soul of shit.

Jesus is Magic, Sarah Silverman's "break-out" movie, was so well-received that I seriously began to doubt my sanity as the film went on and people laughed their heads off around me. Silverman is hugely likeable and sometimes awesomely funny, but this overlong, careless concert film was so poorly assembled by director Liam Lynch that it killed every laugh for me. Proof that you can't just point and shoot, and chock full of musical numbers that land with a wet thud. It KILLED me that this was so poor.

Alone in the Dark stars Tara Reid as an anthropologist.

Thank you.

Freeman

Goddamn it you're right! KONG! What is wrong with people! SEE KONG OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

Abe Goldfarb

Freeman, let us make the AMC 25 our Brokeback Mountain. It warms my heart to see a brother preach the gospel truth like that.

Abe Goldfarb

Oh, almost forgot, two films for the dishonor roll.

Four Brothers is a film that honors its message of racial harmony by having Mark Wahlberg smack the shit out of a bunch of black guys. John Singleton, clear space on that shelf, I think it's Oscar time. Oh, ithe movie also hates women and gays. So, you know, well done.

A Sound of Thunder is a movie you probably didn't see. You had a good reason not to. This may be the only film in which Ben Kingsley goes up against Ed Burns in an act-off and the result is a TIE. This may have the worst special effects an 80 million dollar budget can purchase, and it shows us a human de-evolving into a fish. Which may make it worth watching after all.

Dorothy

Okay I am totally rubbing in "Firefly " all over the web..., but have you watched the series ? Because while the movie is good, the series are in my opinion much much better !

Abe Goldfarb

Oh, Firefly is a thing of beauty. I adore it deeply. But Serenity works for newcomers and veterans alike.

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